I can Dance

by Christian
(Liverpool)

Jesse,

I find most of your comments helpful however you are missing one scenario, which is mine. Ok I am a fairly good looking guy, I take care of myself and my appearance. I am confident on the DANCE floor and can dance quite well. Many women approach me an dance with me, I get a lot of attention when am out, I have an active social live and many friends including female. However, when I am out I seem to lack the balls to actually start conversation, usually it is the girl who starts it and my lack of confidence shows.

I do not agree with you on some points as I have had many girlfriends, however after my last girlfriend I feel so scared of opening myself up as she let me down so badly. I think I am scared to get close to a woman again yet I long for the companionship, how can I overcome this?

Snake

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I can Dance

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Jul 20, 2009
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starstarstarstarstar 		The problem
by: Jesse Allen

Christian, there are an infinite number of scenarios and it would be impossible for me, or anyone else for that matter, to cover them all.

That said, in your post you tell me that you're a good looking guy, take care of yourself, and have confidence on the DANCE FLOOR. Then you go on to write that you have no confidence when it comes to having a conversation with these ladies.

Wouldn't it have been ideal if dancing could talk for you?

You must really enjoy or be very good at dancing because the majority of men who have problems chatting it up with the ladies would never find themselves on the dance floor. It is also one of the most effective ways to meet women at a bar/club.

I am also sorry to inform you, Christian, but though I do not cover all situations on this site, yours is very common. You see, being confident dancing, singing, juggling, or whatever else you enjoy doing doesn't have anything to do with confidence when it comes to women.

Someone could be confident at work, at their hobby, or whatever else they do throughout their day, but when it comes to women, it's a whole different ball game with a set of totally different values and beliefs attached to them.

I know guys who are ONLY confident with their ability to approach, attract, and seduce women, but believe they are useless when it comes to their jobs, family, and everything else they deal with in their lives. We link up different feelings to each of these, and it just so happens that you associate dancing on the dance floor as "fun" or "pleasurable" and talking with women as "painful."

What I am surprised with is that you continue to go on the dance floor and that you haven't yet associated dancing with the probability that you'll eventually have the painful task of talking to these women - which I am basing on your post (and if I'm wrong, please correct me).

(continued next comment)
Jul 20, 2009
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starstarstarstarstar 		The problem (continued)
by: Jesse Allen

(continued)

Sabotage is a problem I see all of the time. People don't do it consciously, but their brain will send them little alarms reminding them of what pain may follow. Ultimately, people will sabotage something they desire just to avoid the pain that MAY follow. With you, these alarms are set off while talking to women.

Though you don't sabotage your ability to actually meet these women by dancing on the dance floor, you seem to be affected by an event from your past (being let down so badly by your ex-girlfriend) while you are in their presence.

What I'm trying to get to here is: Your dancing and ability to get girlfriends has nothing to do with the confidence you have with women.

This website is not only for those who cannot find a girlfriend, or "companionship" as you so appropriately mentioned, but for those who are unhappy with their love life.

Elvis Presley had more companionship from women that any man has in the past, present, and probably the future, but he was ONE UNHAPPY MAN. Many people don't know this about Elvis, but he was a very insecure man when it came to everything else but, you guessed it, WOMEN.

Anyone can get "companionship" or a "girlfriend." But these things are not what you REALLY want. You want the companionship of a woman who is in love with you and one who you are in love with. This varies for everyone, but with you, I'm guessing this is the case. Love and trust, since you've been let down in the past.

My advice to you is to stop focusing on how badly your ex let you down and to start psyching yourself up by believing that every new woman you meet there is a possibility that she could be the one! How much more exciting would meeting women be if you believed that instead of worrying that the next woman you meet could do onto you exactly what your ex did?

Until you begin looking at meeting women as positive and potentially pleasurable opportunities, no companionship in the world will ease your mind. In fact, with your situation, companionship would heighten these fears because you cannot question the trustworthiness of "someone" unless there is "someone" in your life.

The disappointments in your past will make you a stronger man. And unless you are a very lucky man, you will be disappointed again. After which you will be an even stronger man to deal with the disappointment that you'll probably have to face after THAT.

I'm not trying to be a pessimist here, just realistic. Do you know how many times Donald Trump failed and was disappointed before he became one of the richest people in the U.S. This applies here, as well. And when you cross that hump, JACKPOT! Everything you've gone through has paid off and you will look back and thank whoever it is you thank for the lessons you've learned.

Jesse

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