Don't Stumble When Talking To Women
by Ron Louis & David Copeland
Question: I always seem to stumble when I am talking to women. What should I do?
Answer: Many, many men have this problem. Fortunately, there are a few traits you can develop in yourself that will help you converse with women:
Curiosity
Curiosity happens naturally, but many men stomp it out because they are afraid if they get curious, they will lose control of the interaction, and something bad will happen. You must learn to notice and follow up on the little flickers of curiosity you will get when you are interacting with someone. She may mention that her job involves working with children, and you may notice that you wonder, what age are those children? Ask her.
Men often worry that they have to come up with some brilliant conversation, but because a woman's favorite topic is herself, all you really have to do is be curious and ask questions about her. That will carry the conversation a long, long way.
An important aspect of self-expression is curiosity. It's similar to enthusiasm: you've got to use it or lose it. Once you've repressed your curiosity long enough, it takes time to get it back.
Many of us were taught as children not to ask questions, to avoid being too curious. We all know the expression "curiosity killed the cat." Asking questions and being curious were often said to cause trouble.
Another problem with curiosity is that when you start asking questions you stop being in control of the interaction. When you ask a woman questions about herself, suddenly you're not in control of what she might say.
As we've said, most guys come to us wanting a line or routine. They're looking for a structure they can impose on an interaction that will keep them in control and get her romantically interested. But when you take the risk of not knowing what is going to happen, and surrender to the chaos of interactions and conversations with women, you're more likely to connect with them and more likely to come across as fun and attractive.
You can start the process of letting out your curiosity by asking women questions and simultaneously letting go of any outcome. Let go of trying to get into her pants and getting her number (for a second) and just see if it feels different.
We're not saying that trying to get into her pants is a bad thing at all -- we're just saying that when you concentrate on getting into her pants as your sole outcome it's very difficult to maintain a conversation and therefore hard to get into her pants.
You never know where a conversation is going to go with a woman, but if you've got to stay in control and restrain your own curiosity and never ask a question you don't already know the answer to, you'll never be successful. Most men just give up because not knowing where an interaction is going is just too scary.
Another advantage of learning to be curious is that it's not the least bit manipulative or scam-oriented. When you take risks with women and they risk with you, real intimacy can develop.
If being curious is difficult for you right now, don't worry. After you start experimenting with being curious it will become a lot easier.
Admiration
Most people don't see themselves as special and are not used to other people seeing them as special. When you're able to see the passionate and special parts of a woman and appreciate them, she will feel a bond to you.
If she says her friend declared bankruptcy, but she could never do that, you can admire her by saying, "I can see you are a person to whom integrity is important. I think that's cool." If she says that she is really into recycling, you can say to her, "I can see that you are a woman who cares about the environment. Most people don't, I think it's pretty amazing that you do."
By noticing what she cares about, and admiring it, you both compliment and showing that you are an insightful person.
Listening
Whether or not you are listening to a woman makes no difference if she doesn't think you are listening. You show you are listening by doing three things.
1) Saying "helping phrases" like "Yes," "Uh-huh," and "I see," while she is talking. This shows her that you are paying attention.
2) Feeding back what she said to you, in your own words. If she talks about how she had eight meetings the day before, and it exhausted her, you can say, "Wow, eight meetings! That's a lot. I can see why that would be exhausting." That sums up what she said, and shows that you "got it."
3) Being curious and admiring. When you are curious about something a woman said, and ask a question about it, it shows you were listening in the first place. When you admire a woman, you also show that you've been paying attention to what she has been saying.
Not Complaining
It's amazing how often men's "talk" to women is all complaint-oriented.
Recently we witnessed a guy trying to get a woman to like him. His approach? Complain, at great length and with significant anger, about how his credit card company screwed him over by not letting him have the logo of his favorite football team on his card. Believe us when we say, the woman was not impressed. At least, not impressed in the way he would have liked.
"Not complaining" comes down to something your mother probably told you: If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
You are better off sitting silently than you are complaining about your life. You are even better off talking about something positive, or listening to her and admiring something positive about her.
Doing the Flirting Moves
If you are curious, admiring, listening, and not complaining, you are probably building a connection with the woman that will be unusual in her experience with men. At the same time, that is not enough, because it can still put you in the "just friends" zone.
You also must be doing the "Flirting Moves," which you can learn by clicking here.
These moves will help the woman decide, at least tentatively, that you are in the "potential lover" category.
If you want to know more about talking to women, then you'll be excited about our new book, How to Talk to Women.
Best of luck!
Ron Louis and David Copeland
Your Comments On This Article
Write your comments, concerns, or kudos on this article!